心甘、情願

媽媽在星期二已經出院了。

我原本因為身體很疲倦的緣故向公司請了星期一及二的兩天假，想好好的休息，也因為媽媽突然入院而變成更忙，天天跑醫院。

星期二那天更因媽媽的性急，想早點出院，要我與女傭一大早就在醫院Stand by，而枯坐了三個小時。

當然，媽媽是很重要的，我也慶幸有請假在家，可以多點時間看他。
但，我自己呢？我的疲倦、身體不適，誰又來關心？

長期下來，大多數的人都只會覺得我強、硬，能撐得起。總不覺有人會知道我的疲倦。不只是媽媽的事，也是公司裡的事。

我並不喜歡做決定，但又抵不了膠著狀態，只好硬著頭皮做決定。
我不喜歡做組長，但又見沒人認領，只好自己去做。
同樣地，工作方面也是如此。

我人在做，但我的心未必在做。只是結果還可以，所以鮮少有人發覺、發覺我的不甘願。

我不甘願，但礙於責任心，只有繼續做下去。心與身長久的分開，妄顧自己快不快樂，我想，我的心理一定會出問題吧？！

或許，已經出了問題吧？！

別人都只會說我驕貴，買很多東西，常出國渡假，殊不知那只是我減壓的方法，也是不回家面對媽媽的感情苛索的唯一出路而已！

在沒時間、空間去經營交情的情況下，這是最快速而直接的方法。

我想，我是真的有問題吧？！

又入院了

媽媽昨天又入院了！

病癥是心率不整，醫生暫時仍不能斷定起因。媽媽自己估計是因過度勞累引致。

但，很難不讓人聯想到媽媽是又一次輕微心臟病發。

一個七十多八十歲的老人家，又能承受多少次輕微心臟病發呢？
何況去年年初她更有一次差點致命的心臟病發呢？

說不擔心當然是自欺欺人的，但在媽媽面前，更重要的是別先失去冷靜。

姊姊問我為何好像沒事人一樣，我只可說，更兇險的都處理過，這只好算是「小兒科」而已。

回到家裡，自己關上房門，那悲傷才慢慢浮現：媽媽真的老了，在世的日子真的不知還能有多少，自己工作如此之忙，又能有多少時間與她共度？

幸好總算在她「行得走得」的時候已經和她去了歐遊，平常有空也有帶她去做做「闊太」吃下午茶到山頂看風景。

有時候也是為自己仍然獨身感恩，因為可以少些旁鶩，有空間關心媽媽。

最後，只希望媽媽快些真實的信主！﹙她在一個佈道聚會中曾站起來「決志」，但後來又否認了。﹚

求主保守！亞們！

7 World Trade Center

After the 911 incident, I haven't heard any news about the Twin Towers of World Trade Center for quite some time. The last memory was watching the memorial ceremony on the 1st anniversary, how people mourned about the lost loved ones.

Suddenly, I bumped into this tiny square of news on the Metro yesteray that 7 World Trade Center (the first of a series of buildings on the site of the Twin Towers) was about to open next Tuesday.

Ever since the 911 incident, I had this impression that the Twin Towers resembled the Tower of Babble, "touching the sky" and boastful of human achievement; a monument of pride to the Americans. And the Americans also feels like those living in Jericho, a city that had been strong and seemingly invincible.

Both imageries pointed to the human desire to play the role of God Himself. Something that might seem very desirable to the Americans.

Having worked in the biggest bank in US for over 10 years, I found that the average American is very complacent, very self centred, and thought the world of themselves.

Everywhere outside of the US seems to be wilderness and undeveloped. Everybody who cannot speak English is illiterate and uncivilized. The rules and regulations in US are the best in the world. Their technology is the best, and no application is worth the slightest consideration if developed by people outside the US.

US was built by the protestants, a people of God. Its National Anthem is in fact a hymn, a war song of the Army of Jehovah.

But nowadays, the Americans have effectively shattered the family system, allowing people to divorce. They defy the 10 Commandments such as killing by allowing aborption, and seeing ex-marital affairs simply commonplace.

They have basically removed the Christian faith in every aspect of their life, not even allowing children to pray in school.

What is freedom after all, if it is not confined in the boundaries of righteousness?
It would be nothing but sin itself.

Of course, there are nice people in the US, but unfortunately that's the impression I have from working in this company for this long.

And being a devoted Christian in US would be extremely difficult, I believe, because you are not allowed to even stand up against homosexuality, which God hates so much.

Well, God has doomed the city of Jericho to ruins for ever and ever. And whoever wants to rebuild it would lose his sons. I genuinely pray that it would not be the same for those who have been or will be building on the ruins of the Twin Towers.

This is a lesson we must all learn. We are not God, and God treasures those who are humble, and see himself/herself just as he/she is.

I do pray that the Americans can return to God, and be humble again at His feet.

I know this is a bit late, but I want to say something about Brokeback Mountain

I have always been interested in the topic of homosexuality. I think this is an exemplification of what sin is: you know that according to the Bible it is NOT right with GOD, but you are so trapped that you keep going back to it.

As we all know, Brokeback Mountain is one of the hottest topics recently (though the heat has almost died down).
Although I really don't agree with the practice of homosexual relationship, I forced myself into understanding the story. I believe that if you don't know the details, you are not supposed to criticize anything.

First, I bought a book with short story and the screenplay. Believe me, the screenplay is not lengthy at all, and quite easy to read. But, I just couldn't brought myself to finish reading it.

I couldn't sleep the night when I was 3 quarters through reading it, and I stopped there.

I was too disturbed about the fact that these 2 guys had been having this ex-marital affair for almost 20 years!!

Then I saw the movie, and was just as disturbed about this same fact as when I was reading the book. And I lost another night's sleep.

The wife of one of them actually knew from the first instance when they reunited after both of them got married!! She saw them kissed and was SO shocked. She was completely shattered by this fact, but have to withstand it because their children are still toddlers. Even after they got divorced, and she got married again, she was still extremely disturbed by this betrayal.

With all the halos around this movie, being exhaulted as a movie redefining love, I am deeply concerned about the effect that it has on our societies' moral values.

What are we going to teach our children in the future? That loving someone is not a sin, even when that person is of the same sex? That having an ex-marital affair is not a sin, if you truly love that person? That loving someone while hurting a lot more persons is right?

I don't think this whole thing is really about love; I think it is about
(1) betrayal,
(2) not giving due respect to a commitment such as marriage, and
(3) not caring about how you might hurt the ones that you love with wrong decisions.

The leading male role not only hurt his family but also his boyfriend. The latter was so disturbed that they couldn't be together as lovers would that he was always in distress, so much so that he said the famous quote "I wish I knew how to quit you".

Only when his boyfriend died that he realised he should be better to the ones he loves.

I believe that's why the last scene was about his elder daughter asking him to come to her wedding, he hesitated and said he need to work, but on second thought said they could find another person to work but he must attend his girl's wedding.

This forms a great contrast to an earlier scene that this same daughter asked whether she could live with him rather than staying with her stepfather's family, and he refused.

If we really need to learn from this story, I think this is my take:
(1) Give the people you love the right attention when they are still around; don't wait till they had died
(2) When you make a decision, be sure you take into consideration whether it will hurt anybody, especially someone you love

The Last Battle - some thoughts and a serious question

I have just finished reading the Chronicles of Narnia last night.

Took me from Chinese New Year's Eve (Jan 28) till yesterday to finish all 7 books, amidst my heavy work scheules and intensive MBA class in the last 9 days. Took a bit long...

The last book, with name “The Last Battle”, is talking about the end of the world, and what becomes of our world in the renewed world after the end of time.

I couldn’t tell you what the story line is, lest you lost the fun of reading it yourself, but this much I could tell you. I have this warm feeling, like a whirlpool of pleasantly warm water, surging in the inside of me.

I felt so happy, and in fact relieved, that the end of this world we know is really a beginning of new and much better world, and that this new world will never cease. What’s more, in this new world, you will never feel sad, or afraid, or anything of that sort. I know we are supposed to know this through the Revelations, but reading about it in a story book is very different, believe me.

What are especially relevant to me are that you might be able to swim (which I never dared), and you could see with perfect eyesight such that however near or however far you could still see as clearly (I am short-sighted, my eyes degenerated prematurely, and I have many relapses of macular edema).

I daresay I long to be in this new world a lot.

But am I fit for this new world?

Well I think I share the same feeling of Puzzle the donkey, the same one who was deceived into pretending to be Aslan, the saviour. I will definitely feel ashamed in the face of my Saviour, but I have the faint hope (well, I know I should feel more sure, but this is just my character) that I will be accepted by Him regardless of my own perception of myself. He certainly looks at things differently.

Think about the young Calormene nobleman Emeth. (By the way the Calormenes are a people living south of Narnia. They have no fear of the true God, and are generally mean and evil.) He had in his whole life believed in a different “god”, which is a demon in fact, yet his deeds were noble and righteous all along. Then he found out after the end of the world that Aslan was the real God, and thought that he would be doomed.

Yet to the contrary, Aslan received him as a loved one, because he said that:
"Not because he (Tash) and I (Aslan) are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the service which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service whick is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore if any man swear by Tash (the evil one) and keep his oath for the oath’s sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted.”

How easy it is then to understand the Bible saying, “You called me Lord, Lord and you still don’t know me” in a parable told by Jesus!

But I must admit that by putting it this way, C S Lewis had posed a theological difficulty. Does it mean that one can NOT acknowledge the true God as God, but by way of one’s good deeds that one will still find favour in the Saviour’s eyes on the Judgment Day? Then does it mean that no one needs to be a Christian, or own up as a Christian in this mortal life?

I certainly do not believe so! One has to acknowledge that God is God when one knows that there is this God and heard about His deeds. I am not 100% sure about those who have never heard of God, but definitely not so otherwise.

What do you think?

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - the movie

Well, indeed I have seen the movie. I saw it when I was only one third into the book of the same title, but finished the first one which talked about how the land of Narnia came about.

Personally, I do think that the movie is already quite a good manifestation of the original story.

Of course, you cannot expect the movie to carry all the details of the book, but then the approach of storytelling of the book and the movie are too different to compare.

On the one hand, you have a narrator telling you the story, filling in the necessary background and addressing you like a child. On the other, you have a movie and no narrator, where you must try to make sense out of the sounds and sights presented to you.

The experience differ quite substantially if you view it at that angle.

But frankly speaking, I like both.

The books are easy to read, told like a father to his dear child, and give you quite clear directions in looking at life within and without the books. They are pleasant to read, short, and written in very good and easy English. The storylines are clear, yet with subtle hints to Christianity if you read between the lines.

At this, the movie lacks the ingenuity in which the morales behind are subtly weaving all through, but substitutes that with the visualization of perhaps a too different world to understand if you only read it. (At least for us who are not native speakers of the language it might be a bit hard to understand.)

So, all in all, I would recommend perhaps you see the movie first, in order not the spoil the fun of the adventures, but read the book, and its 6 other siblings, to get the full picture.

If you want to read it, perhaps I could lend the set to you when I am finished? I am now one third into the sixth book.

Narnia - Christianity made easy

As usual, what I read at a particular time is normally tied to what is the then popular story.
So, here I am, finished the first 5 books of The Chronicles of Narnia, and feeling great about the time I have spent so far.

As most of us know, The Chronicles of Narnia is written by the C.S. Lewis who is also a famous Christian author of such spiritual books as Mere Christianity. So, there are a lot of Christian themes into the Chronicles, such as creation, salvation, and walking with Christ in one's daily life.

So far, I found that the books are written in such a way that these themes could be easily understood even by young children who are starting to be able to read story books on their own.

If you want Christianity explained in extremely easy terms, here you are...

我就是挑，怎樣？

很多人都說我太挑，所以沒有對象。
以前我都是說不是我的問題，但，最近我的想法變了。
我認了，我就是挑。
那又怎樣了？不能夠嗎？
挑，其實不就是有堅持嗎？
為甚麽其他的堅持就值得大肆褒揚，我的小小堅持，而且只影響我自己的堅持，就要遭別人非議？
我爲甚麽要為別人而活？我自己覺得可以就好了。

喜歡嗎?

　　「这么辛苦工作，为什么？」
　　他叹气。「为了不被炒鱿鱼啊，这么简单还用问？」
　　「学长那个时候为什么选择这份工作？」
　　他看看她。「你是随便问问呢？还是真的想知道？」
　　她思考一下。「一半一半。」
　　「一半一半？」他挖苦地反问：「什么叫一半一半？我不知道这种问题也有一半一半的答案。」
　　「因为我已经大四了，之前也在找工作，所以有点想知道别人是怎么想的。」她笑。「不过我已经找到工作了，而且学长的状况是学长的状况，知道了可能也不能当参考，所以也算是随便问问。」
　　他瞥她一眼，摇头。「我跟你那个没用的大哥都是读商管的，所以选择贸易公司是很正常的，加上营业部算是公司的命脉所在……你没听过吗？学以致用，就是这么简单的原因。」
　　「所以，学长，你喜欢现在的工作？」
　　「跟喜不喜欢没有关系吧？」他放下杯子，往后躺进沙发，将已经松开的领带拉下，解开领口的扣子，露出褐色的喉头。「工作就是工作，努力工作只是因为我得养活自己……你以为现实社会是日剧吗？工作是为了充满爱与梦想的未来？」
　　「如果不是因为喜欢，学长为什么要这么努力呢？像大哥那样，不也可以养活自己？」
　　他嗤之以鼻。「照你大哥那种打混法，没被开除已经算是奇迹，等哪一天主管心情不好、公司状况不佳，我敢保证，裁员名单的前几名一定有你大哥的名字。哪里可以养活自己？」
　　「是这样吗？」
　　「就是这样。」他简单地说：「经济不景气，公司付一份薪水，想要的是两份的工作成果，拿不出来成绩的人只有等着被淘汰的下场。办公室比修罗战场还残酷，要留下来，就要比别人努力，跟喜不喜欢，没有关系。」
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節錄自梨陌-透明奇跡

我想, 我跟書中那個男生的情況差不多罷.
讀了商科,就只好到商場工作.
進了商場,就只好努力的做,一來生怕給別人比下去,只有等着被淘汰的下場,二來是真的過不了自己的那一関,怎麽也做不來得過且過.
一直一直做,不知不覺到了一個不上不下的位置,別人羡慕,自己卻覺得被困住了.
很累.
想到前不久張徳培說,工作是要做自己喜歡的.
真有這麽好嗎?
那甚麽才是我自己喜歡的呢?

坊間小說中的單身女子被歧視記

　　人往往到了某个年纪就会被逼迫著去做某些事，比如年轻时你就得青春可爱，年纪大了一点你就要温柔妩媚，要是年纪再大了那么一点点……你就要担心自己是不是会没有男朋友。
　　你没结婚已经很惨了，如果还没有男友，简直就可以去申请社会救助，因为这跟肢体残缺没什么两样，你连男友都找不到，如果不是生理上有问题，就一定是心理上有问题!
　　“我有个朋友大学毕业后接连考上两个公职，住的是公宅，平常开销也不大，薪水又很高，但她却还是一个人。她想找一个条件比她好的男人，要是条件比她差的她也看不上，还要求对方的薪水一定得比她高，而且必须对老婆或女友很大方，她可以给对方养，自己的钱又可以存下来，如果遇不上这样条件的男人，她宁可一个人过日子还比较轻松愉快。”路人甲在捷运列车上对著路人乙说道。
　　“用这种方式来解释自己不结婚好像不太对吧?”感情不是应该由爱来构成，哪是先衡量经济再决定呢?路人乙觉得其中必定有诈。“她提出的条件根本就不太可能实现啊!会不会还有其他的原因?”　　“你的意思不会是说她是同性恋吧?”路人甲惊讶的问。
　　两人开始讨论起那位不婚女性的难言之隐，坐在一旁的花无缺冷著脸，真想开口制止他们，但最后还是隐忍了下来。
　　抵达朋友聚餐的会场，花无缺把刚刚在车上听见的讨论拿出来说，立刻引起一阵同仇敌忾的臭骂。
　　“他们凭什么那么说?没结婚、没男友就一定要被说成有病一样，难道这犯著他们了?”花无缺气呼呼的说道。
　　“难道要我跟人家说我才不管对方有没有钱，只要我爱他，就算要我养他都甘愿?我要是一说，搞不好人家以为我只要是男人都可以，马上又会被转化成另一种哈男人哈得要死的意思，谁敢那么说啊!”安妮点头赞同。
　　“对啊!尤其是跟已经结过婚的女人讲话时，还得面对她们那种隐藏在笑脸里的胜利姿态，好像她们已经结了婚就此你高出一截!”维珍也跟著发言。
　　“最惹人厌的就是那种明知道你没男友，还要一直问你怎么不交个男朋友，每见一次面就要问一次，问到你发火!”这才是花无缺的最痛，她几乎每隔几天就要被人问上一次。
　　“对啊!如果每个男人都那么好，我们为什么不交男朋友?就是因为找不到好男人啊!每次见面都要问，简直是故意找麻烦。”维珍也有相同的困扰。
　　“你要是说找不到适合自己的对象，对方一定会说：‘还不就是你太挑了!’好像你是什么阿猫阿狗都可以上床一起睡觉生小孩似的，还不许你挑!真不晓得那些人心里在想什么?”花无缺忍不住越讲越激动。
　　“你的生活要是过得好一点，不像那些黄脸婆又丑又胖，对方还会说你外表光鲜亮丽，但内心一定……”
　　“很、空、虚!”所有人很有默契地一起咬牙切齿讲出这三个字。
　　花无缺拨拨头发，忽略掉别桌几个男士望过来的倾慕眼神，她们这群女生本来就很引人注目，早已习惯旁人的目光，她神色自若的继续加入朋友的讨论话题。
　　“对，也许有时夜深人静是很寂寞没错，但是我们真要为了伯寂寞而随便找个人陪伴吗?”她们也不是不承认自己的孤单，只是就为了不想寂寞而去找个男人来陪，那根本不会有什么好下场。
　　“现在情杀案那么多，不要说感情没培养出来，最后还分手分不清、惹得一身腥，连命都搞丢了才倒楣。”安妮可是很伯自己变成情杀案主角。
　　“最气人的是那些人都又老又丑，生活也不见得如意，却还自以为高人一等的对我们说那种话，这才是我最呕的部分!”花无缺最无法平衡的就是这个，如果今天是个漂亮的家庭主妇说这种话也就算了，偏偏用高姿态说话的人多半是些痴肥的黄脸婆，自己都弄得蓬头垢面竟然还有睑来嘲笑比她们年轻貌美的未婚女子。
　　“别提了，我才惨咧……”Mary一脸困扰的望著伙伴们。“你们知道我买了房子之后，我那个已婚的朋友阿玲硬要说房子是乔治买给我的，还用那种不怀好意的口气跟我说：‘别不承认了，大家都是这么好的朋友，干嘛不跟我说实话……’后来我不是很火的回答：‘对啦!是他买给我的!’?”　　众人纷纷点头，都听过Mary提过这件事，当时Mary也只能自我解嘲，都这把年纪了还有人认为她的姿色足以让男人甘心买楼给她，她不承认的话好像辜负了对方的期待，索性点头满足对方的猜测。
　　事实上，她们这群朋友都知道Mary为了买房子努力了多少年，只是长得太漂亮，就会有人觉得她一定是被包养的，非要抹杀她的努力不可。
　　“结果最近我再遇见阿玲，她居然问我：‘你怎么都不敢带男朋友来给我看，是不是你男朋友长得又矮又丑又肥又秃头，所以你才不敢带他来?’。”
　　“太过分了吧?”所有人连声惊呼。
　　“是啊，我哪有空专程带著乔治去给她看，再说哪个人会无聊到天天带著男友去跟朋友献宝?我们忙著工作连见面的机会都不多，能够在一起的时间那么少了，我还要牺牲两人相聚的时光把乔治带去给她评分?这……真是强人所难!”
　　“别理她了，那种人肯定不是什么好朋友，真是好朋友的话又怎么会做这种恶毒的猜测呢?”　　“你不觉得已婚的女性都这样吗?如果不把那些漂亮的未婚女性妖魔化，她们的心理就无法平衡，所以一定要把你想到最差的情况去她们才能好过一点。”花无缺开口解释。
　　“你们也知道我实在咽不下那口气，我有次跟乔治经过那附近，就要求他跟我去见见阿玲，可是我告诉乔治原因之后，乔治说他不想做这么愚蠢的事，他认为去了只有被评分的份，而他为什么要被那种恶毒的女人评分?他还要我别去在意那种话，除了她以外我还有其他的朋友，没必要为了争一口气去跟那种人瞎搅和。即使我知道乔治说的话没错，心里还是很不舒坦……你们能了解吗?我甚至还没跟乔治串通好要他说那房子是他买给我的，要是我这么说，他一定会觉得我疯了，自己努力那么久的成就竟然要推给他去承担……”
　　“我们当然可以了解。”　　大家同情的看了Mary一眼，她可是众人当中唯一有男友的，但她没有想过要结婚，再加上他们两人工作都忙，虽然名义上是男女朋友，可是大家都感觉得出来他们早已经不是热恋期的男女，维持这份情感多少是为了不希望被当成异类。
　　Mary甚至说过她已经做好心理准备，随时等著乔治遇上喜欢的人跟她提出分手，因为她老早就知道他们的感情只剩下形式而已，而她之所以愿意维持这个形式，只是不希望有人问到她有没有男友时要委屈的说没有，接著还要去面对那些人荒谬的揣测。
　　“这么想想，我们好像很悲哀似的……”
　　“也别这么说啊，你想想有多少人可以像我们这么开心自在?”花无缺露出手上的小钻戒，得意的说：“我宁可为了要买哪件衣服烦恼，而不是为了老公和小孩操劳。”
　　“我也是!”众人再一次异口同声，接著笑成一团。
----------
節錄自:連亞麗-情非得已

我想我也不至於那麽偏激，身邊的朋友也鮮少會那麽惡毒，但也不是沒有人是這樣說過我。
我當然也知道不需要理會不相干的人，但縂會有那麽一點點的不甘心。真的很辛苦呀。
或者，是我太認真了。

是我嗎

別再問我
生命中是否需要愛情
這世上原沒有兩個一樣的人生

也別再指責我
要求太高，不夠謙卑
是我的要求，還是你們認爲的我的要求？
是我太高傲，還是你們覺得的我太遙遠？

如果我懂得甚麽，而你不，
那，與其說我不該懂，還不如問為甚麽你不懂？
是你決定我太高不可攀，還是我真的看不起你？

為甚麽我的懂，會變成是我的錯？
要說我真的錯了，
只可説是這世上永遠容不下一個這樣的我，
正如這世上永遠容不下一個晴雯。

那，你也要逼迫我至死方休嗎？

A night under the autumn sky

I have never liked philharmonic orchestras much.

I hate the volume of the music. It’s like banging in the ears and you wouldn't be able to pick up the subtle pleasing elements, once the music piece is played by such a large group of musical instruments.

But I changed my mind last night.

I have never like philharmonic orchestras because I have never seen a good one.

I went to the Piazza Live Relay of the Berliner Philharmoniker performance last night. We were all sitting on the ground of the square outside of the Hong Kong Cultural Centre, in which the concert hall where the actual performance was housed.

Although the quality of the sound was not as good as in the concert hall for sure, the experience I hope was comparable.

“Music is alive” was what I summed up the whole performance. You could really feel that there was life to the music: It was not just a reproduction of the notes on the scores, but a resurrection of the spirit of the music captured in the various notes that made up the pieces.

Obviously the musicians, including the conductor, were top-notched, because they put the breath of life back into the music.

----------
As a side issue, I was enlightened again by my interaction with the fellow audience. Since we were sitting outside in the open air, and nobody needed to pay, the audience was fundamentally different from those sitting in the concert hall. Basically, people did not necessarily observe the basic etiquette of going to this kind of performance. People coughed, munched on their potato chips and biscuits, made laud gobbling sounds, and talked, during the performance. It’s true that they consciously kept to the minimum level of noise, but if you were in the concert hall, you would simply NOT do them.

I am a person who cares very much about what is right and what is wrong. The behaviours of these people sitting around me simply irritated and distracted me. This was most felt when I realized I missed the first 2 movements of Richard Strass’ Ein Heldenleben because I indulged in staring at the lady sitting next to me munching away happily at her chips and biscuits.

It was such a loss!!

If I had not indulged in such meaningless activities, I could enjoy the concert much more. This, I believe, is equally true if I have not indulged in complaining about the wrongs of myself or others around me, but move on with improving the life ahead of me.

Come to think of it, you only live once, so why waste your energy on such distractions?

Concentrate on meaningful things will be my motto henceforth.

To be or not to be, that's the question

What do you do when you don’t have much to do at work?

I think I like this job as much as I hate it.

A project has its life cycle, and hence the peak and low seasons. During the peak seasons, I would not be able to rest too much. Sometimes I even have to stay up till the small hours of the morning to coordinate testing activities. During the low seasons, though, I often need to surf on the net for the whole day. I feel especially useless at these times. And when I get more and more used to the job, I get more and more efficient so the workload is becoming less and less.

Surely I can tell my bosses that I have nothing to do, but that means in the peak seasons I would be much worse off. So, what should I do?

Being a Christian, I believe that I should be diligent and trustworthy. But isn’t there a saying, “promotion is punishment”? The better you are, the more jobs you would take from those not performing. So, you end up doing 2 to 3 persons’ work, while those slack people can just sit there and wait for the next pay day. Worse still, your boss would push the bar higher and higher for you, so that you never reach his expectation and he never needs to award you with promotion or pay rise. That’s the aim for bosses, isn’t it, getting people to be more and more efficient while paying you less and less?

This is a true dilemma for me. I would like to be honest and right in my job, but on the other hand, not be “punished” by more workload that drives me to the limits, and threaten my health.

Lord, please help me in solving this “mystery”!!

What a long absence - some miscellaneous thoughts

It has been 3 months since I last posted anything here.
I was extremely busy in August because of projects at work, and then extremely busy with my study in September and October.
Can you imagine that after taking 3 weeks of holiday in the two months of Sep and Oct, I only barely finished my 3 assignments for the one MBA subject?
Gee, that was tough.
Work is now much more quiet. I could fall back to my normal web-surfing-whole-day state. It's good for a change, but definitely not a good sign if it is always like this.
---
I think I really need a holiday away from Hong Kong.

I have not been flying out of Hong Kong since March 2004. This is the longest yet since I got on this Project Management job. Normally I need to fly out once a year at least, so it's a bit hard to adapt to the fact that I am staying in Hong Kong for such a long period. I feel sort of itchy; a strong urge to get out of town for a few days. But flying out alone is a very lonely thing. It's even worse than watching a movie alone. I cannot explain the loneliness. I always envy other people who won't feel it.
---
I had been spending heaps recently. I had been extremely tight financially this year due to a consortium of reasons, e.g. paying for my MBA studies, paying for Mum's hospital and surgery expenses, paying for a live-in maid to take care of Mum, plus my various savings plans. But I found that I could only behave (spend the bare minimum just for maintaining my exsitence) for a certain period of time. I need to spend on "luxuries" (not essential to my existence) once in a while to keep myself sane and balanced.

This is bad, because frankly speaking I do NOT have an absolute need for those things; I just like having them. These are things like my new iPod Nano, which I bought myself as a birthday gift, and my new sets of gold jewelry. (Note that I used setS. That means I bought more than 1 set. Sigh...) On the one hand, I need to do this to release the pressure that was built up by the highly varying workload, but on the other hand, I hate myself for spending on "luxurious" goods which could turn into some people's keeping for probably several years.

But I guess if God gave me the money to spend, I could just spend within the limits. It's true that it might be due to some personality weakness that you may call "sinful nature", that I like to spend money like this, but I guess if God doesn't mind that much, why should I? He does allow me the spare money. Probably He knows that I need this to keep myself sane??

Well, there's no point arguing with myself like this. I shall know when I see Him up there.
---
I know that I live a life that seems to have little trouble, but within this quite stable, and regarded as well off living by some brothers and sisters, I do have my problems and worries. It's true for everyone I guess. Some may be quite poor in terms of money, but rich in terms of their gratitude towards what they have. Some may be filthy rich and yet uncontended. I guess if God grant me this way of life, I should just be grateful and enjoy every second of it, giving thanks to Him for what I have and don't have.

Thank you Lord, my Father in Heaven.

步入中年啊！

今天偷空在線閱讀一本台灣的愛情小說，以下一段在昏昏欲睡的午後，確實有提神醒腦之效，轉貼如下：
---
　　當人們邁入中年，每個人為了生活，面目漸漸雷同。生活逼人，慢慢了無生趣，死氣沉沉如行屍走肉。
　　對工作敷衍，對生活隨便，甚至衣着外貌越來越不要求，太關心存簿裡的數字，對美感則興趣缺缺，害怕冒險，做事越來越低調，講話只求一團和氣，做事喜歡稳健保守，不與人爭執，怕發表意見。都開始緊張退休金、老年生活、存款多少、有没有車子房子、該生幾個小孩？將來老了病了有没有人照顧？是因為這樣，所以中年人臉上常帶着揮之不去的疲態，有時還夾纏着污濁氣。
---
噢！發人深醒啊！
不敢再說愛情小說膚淺，偶然也會有點值得細味的意思。
記得年前讀席絹的《喜言是非》，潛台詞就是瘦身歪風；同一作者的另一本《不請郎自來》，談的卻是愛情太過被絕對化、美化。
噢，有很多不同的訊息意念呢！
「三人行、必有我師焉」又一例證。

Love in a dangerous world

I planned to have further discussion articles about HP6 after my last post. There are lots of different things to talk about. But I came across my friend's article, and found that it is very insightful. Plese have a read. And then again, if I write too much about the details straight after my last post, I think a lot of people will swear at me for leaking the story lines.

Anyway, I guess this is a good time to start talking about the book.

First of all, about love.

There are three major lines in here: Harry & Ginny, Ron & Hermione, and Bill & Fleur

About Bill & Fleur:

It came as a surprise to me actually. If I remember correctly, there had not been too much hint about their love towards each other in previous books.

And it is very interesting that in the whole of HP6, Bill has not uttered a single word!! It was a solo of Fleur's endeavour to mix into the Weasley's. I do not understand why Bill and Fleur become a pair, but I am very impressed by Fleur's show of her love to Bill after his face was badly injured by the werewolf. I especially like Fleur's declaration in the hospital wing after his injury that "I am good looking enough for both of us..."

To me, Fleur has always been just a pretty face, but after this incident, I really like her very much. She is brave and her love is very true and pure. It is not about the looks, but the person himself that she loves.

How admirable!!

About Ron & Hermione:

I really cannot understand why Hermione would fall for Ron, and vice versa. Hermione is such an intelligent girl. She knows so much and is so capable. Of course, she is not a very very pretty girl. She had large front-teeth, which she managed to get them reduced after being jinxed to much bigger and protruding. She is so soaked into studying that her she doesn't care too much about her looks. Yet, she has better opportunities, such as Victor Krum the Seeker of the Bulgarian National Quidditch Team, famous and capable.

On the other hand, Ron is always overshadowed by Harry, and his many elder brothers. It's true that he is tall and sleek, and probably might be good looking because Bill the eldest is said to be handsome (before the werewolf's attack in HP6 at least). But he is always rash and don't even have the gut to chase Hermione but allow Lavendar to wrap herself around him.

How could these two persons possibly fall for each other?

I really cannot understand!!

What does Hermione like about Ron? And wouldn't Ron feel uncomfortable about Hermione's brains and abilities? All I can say is, love is irrational, and beyond any reason.

About Harry & Ginny:
As to Harry & Ginny, I perfectly understand why Ginny loves Harry. It was actually not a surprise at all. Ginny had been very impressed by Harry starting from the first book. She was saved by Harry in the second book. She cannot be herself in front of Harry. And she has much more chance to be with Harry than any other girl, of course except Hermione. It is very easy to understand how she came to fall for Harry. And as she herself puts it, she loves him because he always puts saving the wizarding world before himself, even his love for Ginny.

As for Harry, I can only say that he finally realizes what he really wants of a lover. He needs a person he could communicate without problem, not like Cho who seems to be from a totally different world. He needs someone who truly loves him, not just his achievement and status. He needs someone he is comfortable with, can share his thoughts with, and can understand him.

But all these does not amount to his urge to chase her. It really springs from his realization that she is so much a part of his life and he can no longer bear with the thought that she is someone else's girlfriend.

Aren't we like that? When we like someone, we deny the fact by saying that we are just very good friends. But then when the person becomes someone else's girl/boy-friend, we suddenly find ourselves hopelessly in love with that person, and die to have a chance to have him/her back.

Love is a very tough and difficult topic, is it not?

Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince

It is the latest book of the Harry Potter series.
Read in within 3 days of its release. Not a very notable achievement though.
Well, as with the last book "the Order of Pheonix", I feel most sad after finished reading it.
Most sad.
Last time it was my number 1 favourite character, Sirius Black, who was killed. This time, it was another most beloved character, the Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who was killed.
Extremely sad... I was depressed for 1 whole week last time. I am not sure how long I would be depressed for this heart-felt loss.
Can't say too much at this mental state.
Will talk more about it when I feel better.

懊悔

前天晚上從退修營出來，帶著一個懊悔的心。

話說那天早上的講道是「事奉」，內容提到我們事奉會面對試探，其中一類就是「比謙卑、比屬靈」。當時只是一笑置之，雖會記著，卻未曾深究。

但在小組討論時間中，被咄咄迫問自己的事奉現狀，為何只聞樓梯響(其實是那人的以為罷了)、遲遲不見有人來，看我是個有能力的人、為何不積極事奉… …等等。

個人並不贊同那些迫問的內容：真的不敢苟同有能力就該事奉、無行動就十惡不赦。若一個人與神的關係出現了問題，要做的是從事奉崗位退下來，自我反省、檢視自己的生命，與神復和，才再出來事奉。我的事奉既然是教導，若我所教的我自己都不能行出來、不衷心地在相信，我不是成為了現代法利賽人嗎？我所教出來的，不也會步我後塵嗎？這於己於人於教會都不是好事。

有點離題。重點是，我被激怒了。

在之後的最後分享檢討大會上，我剛巧是最後一個分享的人，有兩個多小時去反覆思考這件事。於是，我明白到我受一次這樣的迫問，已經如此不高興、覺得世人都不明白我，如此孤單，如此不被了解，那我過去一段長時間時常追迫另一位弟兄，他的心情我突然就明白了。

我的咄咄迫人，不就是因為「比屬靈」、引致自義了？

然後，我後悔了。我得罪了這個弟兄、也得罪了神。

聖靈以另一個人的錯誤，提醒了我、我犯的更大的錯誤。

於是，我立志去向那弟兄道歉。道歉之時，我後悔得哽咽了。

求神的靈叫我們被此認罪、和解，以致我們的郡體能謙卑下來，彼此合一，成為神合用的器皿！

你今日表左態未？

本人反對性傾向歧視立法，原因如下：
1.基於本人的雇員身份，設若有性傾向歧視法，本人將會因非同性戀者而反被歧視：因為一旦有同事宣稱自己是同性戀者（我們無從驗證是否屬實，就算對方有異性朋友，也可以說自己是雙性戀者），老闆若要裁員，礙於性傾向歧視法，可能先向異性戀員工開刀。但到時本人卻不可能控告老闆因本人是異性戀者而開除本人，因為這條法例顯然是偏幫同性戀者與雙性戀者，有違「平等」精神。
2.基於本人的基督徒身份，設若有性傾向歧視法，本人將會因非同性戀者而反被歧視：因為基督教信仰明確表示同性戀乃神所憎惡之罪，若本人要持守自身信仰立場，必將被判違法，到時本人卻不能以宗教自由之辯脫罪，因為這條法例顯然是偏幫同性戀者與雙性戀者，此亦有違「平等」精神。

其實作為一個基督徒，在香港這社會裡也是佔人口少於十份一之「少數」，所受的歧視也是不少。單就星期天要到教會聚會而不能上班，已經會遭到雇主的無理歧視，考核、晉升機會都能因此被貶低。若真要立法，為何不也為消除對基督徒的歧視而立法？

設若必須立法消除對性傾向之歧視，請一并立法消除對異性戀者、基督徒、天主教徒、回教徒、佛教徒、新移民……等等之歧視。

愚見認為，要得到別人的認同與尊重，絕對不是以立法此等高壓手段達成，反而要努力自強，做出佳績，叫世人都有目共睹才是。香港小小彈丸之地，當日尚在微時，何曾強制要發達國家不歧視我們？反而是自己奮發圖強，達至今日享譽國際之勢。要別人不歧視，只有自己做得好一途才是正路。

最後，本人也是有一些同性戀的朋友的，個人非單不歧視他們，更是彼此可以交流的。為何偏要立一些法例來厚此薄彼，形成更多的分化？
----
請支持「一人一信反對性傾向歧視立法」

請將信件分別傳真或郵寄（白紙黑字較電郵為佳）至以下三個機構：
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主旨可以寫：「反對性傾向歧視立法」。

寫完意見後，請記得加上署名及附上聯絡電話。

如果你支持這行動，請按上面指引發信給政府，然後將你的姓名、所屬界別電郵或傳真至香港性文化學會，並註明「支持一人一信反對性傾向歧視立法」，以便統計人數。

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出發

星期二是小組聚會的日子。

因為前星期天與組員的討論，決定要從自己做起：認真的參與小組活動，好好的預備查經、敬拜、經文應用等，我們都不約而同地準時齊集教會，且史無前例地準時開始、準時結束，並且好好地分享了對經文的理解與應用！

不再感到離開時比回到時更疲倦、更無力，反而是充滿喜樂，帶著立下的應用內容，快快樂樂的踏上回家的路。

看！一個微小的決定可以帶來多麼重要的轉變啊！

原來神要求我們的，從來就只是回轉：撿視自己的不足、承認、面對、轉變，向對的方向、神的方向重新出發！

求創始成終的神，與我們同在，繼續引領我們走這條天國的路。